Another Undeclared War

I spoke to a farmer recently who told me this story.

A few years ago he was called by a local government official who asked him about his watering tubs for his cattle. He explained he had several large tubs he had placed strategically over his farmland to assure his cattle could water in all weather. The official said the government was concerned that a mouse might fall into the tubs and drown so they wanted the farmer to put a board in the tub from the water surface to the tub edge so, should a mouse fall into the water, he could escape safely. The farmer said he was willing to do that. The official said they would pay him $1000 a month.

The next year the official called him again. He explained the government was concerned that the farmer's tractor might accidentally trap and morcellate a rabbit in the field. He wanted the farmer to place a pipe with pieces of chain that fell like a necklace on the front of the tractor that would frighten rabbits away and save them from injury. The government would pay him $3000 a month. The farmer said he could do that.

This year the official called again. He explained that some forms had to be completed now that the farmer was receiving federal money. He could fill them out on line. The farmer said he did not use a computer although his wife did. We can send the forms to you, the official replied. A packet soon arrived. There were 77 pages. The farmer called the official and said he was too busy to fill the forms out. The official said he would send a woman to help him.

Several days later a young woman arrived to help him with the forms. They started as simple identification questions--name, address, phone number. They gradually became more complicated and strange. "Where did your parents first meet?" "Who was the first girl you ever kissed?" The farmer asked if these were security questions; the woman said they were not, they were information only. He said the questions bothered him and asked her to leave.

The following day the official called and said he had to fill out the forms or he would have to return the money from the last few years.

The farmer said he would send the money back.